Not Quite Numb

I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling now. As the dog days of June pass me by, and the hot stickiness of July in Virginia approaches (accompanied by the alien buzz of the cicadas) I find myself feeling not quite numb. I don't know what the future holds, either for myself or for my family. It's like I'm waiting for something, but I'm not entirely sure what it is yet.

I'd been working on WAR's Land of the Dead Live Expansion non-stop from late last year until just about a month ago. As the only writer on the project, I had a lot of work to do (which was also iterated on in a near-continuous process of revision). These days, I'm the writer on another project which I am as of yet unable to talk about in any kind of detail. I enjoy the work immensely, and there's a lot of it that needs to be done.

I've considered throwing the towel in on freelancing, which is more or less the case at the moment (pending another project offer, of course, which I may consider; it really depends on the circumstances). This is mostly due to time constraints, but I also realize it's due to my limited supplies of energy (creative or otherwise). I throw my heart into my work in the office, and by the time I get home there's very little left for me to tap in to. It's hard enough deciding what to cook for dinner some nights.

Vacation approaches, though. We're shutting down for a week (next week, in fact), and though I have few specific plans I'm sure I'll be busy.

Maybe this is what it's like when everything is more or less okay. Maybe my problem is that I'm waiting for a proverbial hammer to fall. It's the pessimist in me, I suppose. Semi-sleep deprivation is probably to blame, as well. Nothing a nap won't cure, I'll wager.

Land of the Dead has been released, and WAR players can travel to Zandri now. It's an awesome expansion, doubly so because it's free to our subscribers. I'm very proud of the work I did for LotD; there's not a part that wasn't touched by me in some way, from the initial concepts of the zone to the quests to the related entries in the Tome of Knowledge. It's humbling to think that I was allowed to have such an influence on even the smallest of things.

I didn't work in a vacuum, though. Everyone on the Encounters team, from artists to developers and designers, worked their butts off to make LotD the best it can be. Hopefully the players who actually read the quests and dialogues will appreciate them, but when it comes down to it they'll be wowed by the art, the landscape, and the mechanics more than anything else.

I really need a nap, but I will survive. Somehow.

Lost in Thought

It's hard to say that success is not always the key to happiness. It certainly helps, I'll grant you that.

For years, back in the 1990's, even before I'd realized my hopes and dreams, I knew that I wanted to write. I wasn't much of a student in school. Hell, I was a terrible one, in fact. Chronic underachiever is probably a good description. Some folks said I was "too smart," that the work bored me. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't, but I seem to remember most of my trouble had to do with homework. I hated homework. I'd generally ace my tests, but if homework was half my grade then it didn't matter what I knew and what I didn't.

I got jobs, supported myself. Moved out of the homestead and moved in with my sweetheart. Got married. Through that period, I tried to get my foot in that publishing door. Sent in articles to Dragon, mostly, when Alternity was still supported. Moved on to Star Wars Gamer when it seemed to be a good shot. I never did make it, then SW Gamer got canned, too.

It's not like I got reams of rejection letters. It's not like I submitted reams of material, either. I think I probably sent in one article for review, and dickered with editors about ideas and proposals for half a dozen more.

Lightning struck with Dungeon Magazine, which is really the last place I expected to see my name pop up in print. Erik Mona was to blame, and when I asked him why he picked my proposal for Ord Vaxal, he replied, "I liked your Star Wars mojo." Is that mojo still here, somewhere, buried under all the adult responsibilities that I've taken on, or inherited, or been given?

How long ago was that? It was the December issue in 2003, though I'm pretty sure the article was done and submitted at least five months prior. That said, we're looking at five years plus change, going on six. Since then, every writing credit but one ("Hazards of Dark Sun") I've had has been for a book. They're game books, of course. I've constantly steered my ship towards the gaming star. I'm a gamer, after all, and I was a gamer even before I first dipped my proverbial quill in its companion inkwell.

Now I sit at a desk and I write content and material for a computer game. I get paid, and I keep my kids fed (as much as they'll eat, anyway). I'm not wealthy, but I get by. The freelance work, well, I've always enjoyed it. Some projects were more fun than others, sure, but they were all well worth the time I spent on them. It's tough to make the time anymore. I write so much at work, spending so much creative energy there, that it makes it hard to keep up any momentum at home. Pair that with my kids, as demanding as they are at their ages, and it sometimes seems like a fool's errand.

I was thinking about all the books I've worked on, and I was thinking about all those titles and where they'll be in five, ten, or twenty years. Given the way that new editions are released in the tabletop industry, will my name still pop up on Amazon.com searches after all that time has passed? I don't know. I tend to doubt it, unless I can keep the ball rolling. I've already got credit on books that represent outdated or dead systems.

Writing for roleplaying games isn't like penning fiction or, dare I say, literature. For one, the audience is much smaller. For two, even crappy novels still end up on used books store shelves. So I wonder, what's the life expectancy of the work I do? How long does it stay fresh and new? And does anyone really know my name?

I'm not sure what's next, to be honest. I'll continue with the day job, enjoying the work (because I really do enjoy it, more than I've enjoyed any other job I've ever had) and thanking whatever gods orchestrate this massive cosmic freak show for the chance to do so. I think I'm going to have to take it easy on the contract work for a while. This doesn't preclude more contract work, mind you (you hear that, people? You know who you are!), but I need a pause to take a breath.

It seems so cliched, but I guess I might like to try my hand at fiction. Short stories, essays, a book, maybe. Not sure where to start. I've been writing "to order" for so long, it's hard to imagine relying on myself for the whole enchilada. I don't know how to get started; I don't know where to turn. And one question that aches to be answered is, does the work I've done up until now count for anything in that vast pool of writing talent? Or will the attempt be akin to "breaking in" all over again?

It's not a question for the now. It's a question for the future. Right now I'm too busy and too tired to even consider writing an original short story, much less a book. I think the pause will do me good, so long as it refreshes. I'll wrestle with the details another time, and I'll keep you all informed (if you'd like to remain so).

Bedtime.

Three Men and a Little Legacy

I was invited to participate in tonight's Order 66 podcast. If you really want to hear what Rodney Thompson, Sterling Hershey, and I have to say about The Legacy Era Campaign Guide and the small part I had in putting it together, take a listen.

Access the podcast here.

The hosts, GM Chris and GM Dave, were very gracious. They made me feel special, which is totally contrary to my "I'm a normal guy, dammit!" attitude. Enough of this treatment and I'm going to develop an ego.

WAR Tradeskills Feature: Part 1

There's a new feature on the WAR Herald about trade skills, written by myself and Phil Chan, one of the guys on the Character Systems team at Mythic.

You can read all about it by following this link.

Enjoy!

Saga Edition Polis Massans

I saw this about a week ago on the Wizards web site. It's statistics for the Polis Massan species for Saga edition. You may be wondering why I'd bother post about it here. The reason is, it's something I'd originally written for the Clone Wars sourcebook. I'm assuming it was cut for space reasons, but I'm happy to see that it's up and available for use.

I sure do love those cute Polis Massan guys!

Onward, February

Well, my CP2020 game at work lost two players after the first game, by no fault of my own. Not sure where we'll go now, but there's been some discussion of going a new route entirely. We'll know more next week, I gather.

As for other events, my wife's birthday was yesterday. I made her a Cthulhu cake, based on one I saw here (figure I should give credit where credit is due). I don't know if mine looked just as good (I'm no artist), but it certainly took long enough to get it all put together.

Amy and the kids liked it, which is really all that matters.

Happy Birthday, hon! Cthulhu ftagn!

A New Year

Happy New Year, folks.

With the new year, I'd like to try and play more tabletop games. The pickings have been fairly slim over the past year and a half, which is due more to being busy with work and children than to anything else. It's also a question of mood; I'm in no mood for fantasy-themed games, and haven't been for some time. Maybe it's due to my lukewarm feelings on 4E; I don't know.

Any gaming I do will have to take place away from home and without the involvement of my wife. She's more or less resigned to that fact, but she reckons that we will have a whole new era of gaming fun once our offspring are a little more self-sufficient. In other words, in 2-4 years. Ugh.

So this leads me to consider the types of games I plan to run (or maybe even play) in the coming weeks and months. The idea of actually working on a game is somewhat alien to me; it's been so long, after all. The last game I actually ran at work (over a year ago) consisted of a number of free adventures. Not totally original, no, but it was quick and easy until it petered out.

Speaking of petering out, I've got that GM ADD that I've mentioned before. I need to hit some manner of groove with a games I'm running before they really stick. This is all in my head, I realize that, and there are a number of silly psychological elements that either make or break me. Group composition is one; outside influences, such as worries about work and/or home, are another. Still, is it worth just tossing my GMing desires out the window?

I figure not. I want to run a game.

A game of what? I've already tossed fantasy out the window, which leads me to non-fantasy games and settings. What's really been driving me ape lately is Cyberpunk 2020, the game that got me passionate about gaming and game design. Sure, it's retro and the timeline is outdated and there are a number of flaws to the system, but I have this deep desire to revisit it. I'd have to apply my own rules mods, of course -- I can't consider playing CP2020 right out of the box. Though they do allow for a certain amount of min/maxing by players, I can (hopefully) keep it to a minimum.

Other titles I've been wanting to run include Star Wars Saga Edition and Top Secret/SI. SW would be fun, yeah, but I'm not sure I could get off on the right foot with it at the moment. I'm not inspired with a specific campaign idea at the moment, so I'd probably need to wait on running SW. Besides, certain folks (my wife in specific) will probably kill me if I run an SW game without them.

As to Top Secret/SI, it was one of the first games I ever picked up back in the days of my wayward youth. A good system, though somewhat clunky in areas. The clunkiness is forgivable on the whole, though. I have the same issue with the type of game I'd like to run, so I need to think on this one a bit more, too.

So I come back to Cyberpunk again. I do have an idea for a CP game, keyed to a law enforcement game. My favorite CP games were always "cops" games. They gave the players a bit more structure, rather than allowing them to be free-wheeling mercenary sociopathic rampaging cyberpsychotic killers (which gets old after a while). Though such games can (and have) devolved, they are ultimately more stable in the long run.

My preferences of campaign style haven't really changed much over the years. I'm still more keen to serious games with grim atmospheres and not a lot of wise-cracking banter. A little joking is one thing, but if every other word uttered by myself or the players is a sassy attempt at humor or an oft-cited movie quote, it gets in the way of the mood I'm trying to establish. Establishing mood is hard enough when folks are cooperating.

Which comes down to players. I don't have anyone in mind, really, since the game may not appeal to all comers. There are the usual suspects, obviously: those folks I've gamed with at work before, who I know well enough to decide if they'd be interested or not. Then there are the unknown quantities: folks who have expressed a desire to play, but who I've never played with.

So my thought is to send a general query out on the gaming community list at work, saying something along the lines of, "Hi! I want to run a grim and gritty retro-80's law enforcement-themed Cyberpunk 2020 game heavy on house rules. Please reply off-list if you're interested!" and see who bites. With luck, the response won't be so overwhelming that I have to actively dissuade folks from participating; of course, it might be that all I get for a response is the lonely chirping of crickets.

That will be Monday, which gives me a couple days to continue my brainstorming. Until then, sayonara.